Tue 16 Aug 2005
Of course they’re sincere about how much they love your acting, Jessica.
Driving a friend home tonight, I almost made a wrong turn. As I started to head in the incorrect direction, she asked, “Where you going? Where you going? Where you going?” If the answer is “to see The Dukes of Hazzard”, I have three words for you:
What the fuck?!?
I’ve been cringing at the mention of this movie ever since the first trailers popped up months and months ago. Another Hollywood remake of a classic television show.
And rather than stay true to the original, of course they have to update and modernize it – inserting present-day morality, blowing millions of dollars on special effects and stocking the cast with hip, edgy actors who will bring a fresh twist to the project.
In this version of “Dukes”, Bo and Luke Duke are being played by Seann William Scott and Johnny Knoxville. What the fuck?!? Instead of finding two actors who can play suave hillbillies, they get Stifler and Jackass?
Then, to fill the Daisy Dukes of Daisy Duke, they pluck Jessica Simpson off her couch and let her show the audience her “talents” over and over and over and over again. While that might be a selling point for this film, I can always just watch Cinemax at two in the morning and get the same thing. There are other people in the film, but who cares?
Sadly, this piece of shit is brought to us by Jay Chandrasekhar, best known for the hilarious “Super Troopers”. I would have thought someone with comedy chops would have taken one look at this and said, “What the fuck?!?” But I guess the price was right and integrity can only stand up to so much.
Of almost greater disappointment is one scene where they parody “Super Troopers”, using some of the original cast. Dear Jesus, what the fuck?!?
Also working against the human race by crafting this flaming turd were the writers, Jonathan Davis and John O’Brien. No, not the lead singer of Korn, another Jonathan Davis. Sadly, Korn would have made a much better film. And John O’Brien, let’s just take a look at his resume shall we: “Cradle 2 The Grave”, “Starsky & Hutch” and now this. Seriously, what the fuck?!? Who did he blow to get these gigs?
Of course, to fill the 106 minutes … wait a minute this was almost two hours long … What the fuck?!?
Like I was saying, in order to truly explore the Hazzard County universe, the Duke boys will get themselves into about 5 or 6 situations that only Daisy and her large tracts of land can help them with.
Putting aside what a huge waste of time this was, I can only hope the DVD contains a special clip montage of all the different ways Simpson whores herself out and tries to call it acting. I think the whole cast and crew did a better job of acting when they told her she was cast for anything other than blonde hair, large tits and how her ass looks in short shorts.
After watching the film, you may say to yourself, “Hey, where was the scene where Wonder Woman gives Willie Nelson muffins?” While you may more likely say, “What the fuck?!?”, I think they probably cut it out for pacing. And they probably could have done more to show how each character fared at the end of the movie, but again, you have to be careful about pacing. This is, after all, one tight, well-oiled machine of a film. That is, if by machine you mean the Hindenburg, and by well-oiled, you mean on goddamn fire.
Hold on one sec … wait for it … ok. Sorry, thought I was going to pop another blood vessel in my brain from trying to remember enough to write this review.
But sadly, I do have to admit there were a few laughs to be had. But maybe my body just converted near-aneurysms into some guttural sound that resembled laughter. That seems more plausible. Also more plausible is that just about any other activity is more worthwhile than watching this film. Go sit on a porcupine or eat a dead skunk’s ass. Either will at least require you to use one of your senses. This film just leaves you senseless.
So look out movie world, The Sobering Conclusion is awarding its first 0 out of 5! That’s right. In order to ‘enjoy’ this film, you had best bring a bag of hammers. Make sure to take one out every time Bo or Luke Duke say ANYTHING and hit yourself over the head.
Oh, who am I kidding, from the opening scene, just keep pounding away until all you see is your own blood. Maybe be a good member of society and hit the person next to you first, but make sure to get right back to yourself. Compassion can only be taken so far. And keep slamming that hammer into your cranium until you wake up either in the emergency room or hell. Both will seem like a summer picnic compared to the holy craptitude of this film.
I mean, really. What the fuck?!?