This project would have been better as gay porn.

Theatrical Release Date: 01/06/2006
Director: Richard Shepard
Cast: Pierce Brosnan, Greg Kinnear, Hope Davis

Writer/director Richard Shepard’s “The Matador” stayed under the radar and had it not been for a surprise Golden Globe nomination for its star Pierce Brosnan, for Best Actor in a Musical/Comedy, I probably would have skipped this movie.

Oh, who am I kidding? I saw this because a friend of mine figured we should go because nothing else is out right now. It started right after I got off of work so why not?

While I know this feeling will pass, right now I think I may need to spend some time apart from him … this was not a good choice.

If you are unfamiliar with the plot, consider yourself lucky. For the sake of this review, I’ll tell you that Brosnan plays a hitman who hits bottom and Greg Kinnear an unlikely friend whom he meets by pure coincidence. Their friendship blossoms and allows them to fill the gaps in their respective psyches. Sort of a “Wizard of Oz” for aging hitmen.

This movie is insipid.

This movie is asinine.

This movie is boring.

This movie is the longest hour and a half since that root canal you had without any anesthesia.

I think you see where I’m headed. I guess a big problem with this movie is that at no point in this movie did I even attempt to chuckle.

Let that sink in for a second.

I repeat: At NO POINT in this movie did I even ATTEMPT to chuckle. Hell, I laughed a few times during “The Dukes Of Hazzard”. This movie couldn’t get me to smile for any reason other than the thought the credits might roll.

I probably would have walked out had it not been for two things: my overwhelming desire to write a review ripping this movie an extra poop chute and that I found that wonderful Zen-like stance in my seat that you only hope to find for those long, epic period piece films.

Heck, I’m thinking about trade marking the phrase “Is it over yet?” since I said it so much OUT LOUD during the movie.

I don’t want to go back into my rant about the body of unknown persons who comprise the Hollywood Foreign Press (just remember it’s really three gay French men), but let me assure you that the French have no sense of humor. For Pete’s sake, they loved Jerry Lewis. Nominating Brosnan for his role in this clunker of an abortion really should come as no surprise.

Another misnomer in nominating Brosnan for an award is the notion that this movie is a comedy. Some reviews I read said it’s more of a drama about the two men and their friendship. If that’s the case, aren’t dramatic films supposed to evoke emotion?

I only wish my bladder could have evoked the need to urinate for the duration of this movie. The scent of a used movie theater bathroom smells so much sweeter than the stench I got a whiff of emanating off the screen for this movie.

If anything, in trying to categorize the movie, it’s more of a musical, or at least that’s what I tried to believe as my mind searched in vain to fill my consciousness with elevator music to escape the horrific banality that was “The Matador”.

I might be able to string together a longer, more scathing review full of particular failures in this movie but that’s really a waste of my time. I’m much better off using this hammer I’ve got here to hit myself in the head again and again and again until … yup. That one did it. Memory dump complete. Whatever movie I just panned gets the big goose egg, a 0 out of 5. Gather all ye tools and rejoice in their bludgeoning to your noggins!