Balls of Fury
Maggie Q is a good reason to see a film … just not this one.

Theatrical Release Date: 08/29/2007
Director: Ben Garant
Cast: Dan Fogler, Christopher Walken, George Lopez, James Hong

You know how sometimes you get loaded on booze, or pills, or aardvark testes? Then you and your buddies come up with this great idea that you’re sure will be the best thing since indoor plumbing?

Well, hopefully you also realize that once you come down from your trip, those ideas may seem a bit dumber in the light of day.

It may have been a plan to open up the world’s first hug-a-hungry-tiger outreach program … or putting all of the beds in your dorm in one room so you can all sleep there and party in the others … or in the case of the film “Balls of Fury”, it may have been to make a comedy about the seedy underworld of ping-pong and forget to write any jokes.

This last one probably should have just been a ten minute comedy sketch for writer/director Ben Garant and co-writer Thomas Lennon; but instead someone gave them a few million dollars and what I have is an hour and a half of my life I can’t get back without a time machine and a friend to stop me from doing it again. (or any friend really … do you want to be my friend? No? … That’s okay … no, no, really … no these aren’t tears … oh God, why won’t anyone love me!)

Wow … did it just get weird in here? I think it did.

Moving on, “Balls of Fury” is based on a simple premise. To no one’s surprise, Christopher Walken is an oddball arms dealer who loves the sport of ping-pong. To everyone’s surprise, George Lopez is the FBI agent with a plan to bring him down.

He enlists a fallen ping-pong phenom (perhaps the perfect use of alliteration you’ll see in this paragraph) and together they triumph over the tyrannical triad leader (crap, that one’s probably better).

All witty and pithy prose aside, the problem with “Balls of Fury” isn’t the concept … it’s the execution. And 15 minutes in, I was hoping for my own execution because the most obvious element missing in the film is humor.

Maybe it’s the style of humor that I just can’t embrace fully but it was all done in such a deadpan manner (the director is of “Reno 911″ and “The State” fame) that there really wasn’t any way for my body to create laughter … the movie practically lulls you into this hypnotic state that won’t allow you to leave your seat and find something better to watch (which shouldn’t be too hard).

Compounding this sadness is that this comes from a film that also boasts cameos from the likes of Robert Patrick, Diedrich Bader, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa and Jason Scott Lee (who I had thought disappeared into the Bermuda Triangle years ago).

A home movie of these four actors on a road trip would have been far more entertaining that what ended up on the big screen with “Balls of Fury”. (If this movie happens without someone paying me off, there’s going to be big trouble.)

Now, it isn’t all bad and that’s why it has escaped the elusive and dreaded bag of hammers rating. Obviously, Christopher Walken is the man. Even without any wit in his script, his delivery style just sneaks a grin onto your face.

Then there are the lovely ladies of “Balls” … “of Fury” … that came out wrong … I can’t stop once I’ve started, it stings! … I’m speaking of course of Maggie Q and Aisha Tyler. Each bring their beautiful semblances to the table and I wish I could be at that table right now. (I really need that friend.)

I have to admit that if it weren’t for them distracting my brain, I might have had to give a Christopher Walken film a 0 out of 5. However, they’ve helped spare me that shame and I can just barely serve “Balls of Fury” a 1 out of 5.

Now, I’m not being facetious in any way, shape or form … this movie is terrible. I highly recommend taking that $10 you might have spent on a ticket and instead paying off some dude to sit on your face and let out a wet fart … wait, that only costs ten bucks?!? I got gipped.