Just because I coordinate my hair color with my outfit doesn’t mean I can’t fight!

Theatrical Release Date: 06/15/2007
Director: Corey Yuen
Cast: Jaime Pressly, Holly Valence, Eric Roberts

Hoo boy, this one’s a doozy!

In the vein of the glorious “Mortal Kombat” comes another video game turned film in “DOA: Dead or Alive”. Only this time, instead of casting Christopher Lambert, the filmmakers decided to go with Eric Roberts.

I think he was really just channeling his character from “Double Team” but that definitely worked here.

“DOA” was helmed by Corey Yuen, who directed the surprise hit “Transporter”. That film was better than it should have been … this one is not.

The premise of the film is that an underground fighting tournament brings out the best fighters in the world. They fight for the big cash prize, all while Eric Roberts is using the tournament for his own nefarious scheme.

Obviously, this isn’t the kind of film you watch for character development. What’s needed to make it successful is good fights and a generous, heaping dose of T&A. Sadly, those are the problems with the film.

Now the fighting isn’t completely terrible. However, it’s clear they cast more for bikini aesthetics than athletic prowess. The fights are loaded with obvious wire-work and more slo-mo and/or sped up film than you can shake a stick at.

That should mean that the T&A factor is high and can make up for lackluster fights. That’s only sort of true. The girls are attractive and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to see some late night CineMax action with this cast. However, the film is rated PG-13.

Dammit! PG-13! Really?!? What genius thought that the benefit of the under 17 crowd for the one week this could possibly last in theaters would outweigh all of us perverts looking for hot women in bikinis (and less) pretending to fight in a R-rated extravaganza?

Whoever that was, you can go ahead and downsize the company starting with them.

I can’t even imagine the hardcore gaming fans of the series will actually find the film worthy or any credibility outside their elevated hormone levels.

Now, that isn’t to say I didn’t have fun watching this … only it was at the expense of the film and my liver as I made up the Rules for Fools list for “DOA” as I was watching it. Somehow, I knew the film wouldn’t live up to too much so I made sure to cover my bases.

And in the end, I’ll be generous and serve “DOA: Dead or Alive” a 2 out of 5, based on what it was trying to be. If I had to base it on a serious film, the rating would drop at least a point. Still, if you’re a pervert (like me), there’s something to enjoy … but just barely.