Thu 3 May 2007
Emmanuel, do the world a favor and kick him in the junk … hard.
How bad is this film?
The director suited himself up in a chimichanga costume as a mentally challenged individual who would punch anyone who used the word “retarded”.
I can’t make that kind of stuff up.
With that as a precursor, I transition to the mysteriously talented (since I don’t know why people like him) Jamie Kennedy who’s back with another horrifically dumb movie: “Kickin It Old Skool”.
In this heavyweight drama, a pre-teen break dancer busts a move into a twenty-year coma. He awakens with all of the same traits as that 80s child and has to gather his crew back together to win a dance competition to pay back his parents for medical bills and win the heart of the girl he left behind all those years ago.
Holy crap, I can’t believe my brain remembered all of that, considering a coma would have been a welcome alternative to this film.
The acting is atrocious, the dancing was less than inspired and I think the guy who played the urinating homeless man that thought he was a break dancer actually urinated on the script and then popped and locked a huge, steaming turd in the director’s breakfast burrito.
I doubt I need to spend all that much time actually deconstructing the film for anyone to believe how dumb this film is so I’ll just move on.
And sadly, there are actually some admirable qualities to the film and this will keep the bag of hammers secured in the trunk of my car.
First, the soundtrack is pretty good, rehashing many classic 80s songs and at least allowing my brain to think of better times while my eyes and soul were being viciously assaulted.
Second, Maria Menounos is hot. Smoking hot. But this film isn’t going to help her acting career and if you’re reading, Maria, I’m here if you want a shoulder to cry on … or whatever else you might need. (I’m a sad, lonely man.)
Finally, there are some cameos in the film that help to dull the pain but also serve baffle the senses. Emmanuel Lewis, Alan Ruck, Vivica A. Fox, David Hasselhoff and K.I.T.T. (sans the actual voice) all make appearances.
The only explanation I can come up with is that I suppose Webster needed money for a cheeseburger, maybe Cameron didn’t invest his money wisely, perhaps Vivica lost a bet and the dynamic “Knight Rider” duo probably show up anywhere there’s a camera. Those have to be the reasons. (At least I hope so.)
Well, I’m not going to drag this out any further. This film isn’t worth that kind of attention.
“Kickin It Old Skool” gets a 1 out of 5. There were a few funny moments, Maria Menounos makes my pants tight and the music is pretty good. Still, if anyone else actually watches this, I urge you to seek help … fast.