I don’t want to scare you but in the near future, I see us drinking this juice.

Theatrical Release Date: 04/27/2007
Director: Lee Tamahori
Cast: Nicolas Cage, Julianne Moore, Jessica Biel

Now disappointing in theaters is the latest Nicolas Cage action dud, “Next”.

The film is about a man who can see two minutes into his own future and how his ability may help to stop a nuclear explosion in Los Angeles.

Personally, if it weren’t for my proximity to the city of angels and some friends in the area, I’d say we should let that bomb go off. However, I suppose that would be rude and as such, it’s up to special agent Julianne Moore to enlist Cage’s help in thwarting the evil-doers.

This could have been a really great film, full of nuance and jarring twists and turns. Instead, “Next” is merely what you’ll be saying after watching this film.

What do I ridicule first? Let’s start with the acting.

Cage is as cheesy as ever and while his character is a Las Vegas lounge act, I was more reminded of Jeff Goldblum in “Vibes” … if you get that reference, that’s just sad … and so am I for writing about it.

In any case, the blame can’t be laid entirely at the feet of Nic Coppola (as his family calls him). Julianne Moore is a much better actress than this film lets on. Her character is barely two-dimensional and probably could have been done by a standee and a narrator. Then there’s Jessica Biel.

No doubt, Ms. Biel is one very sexy actress. I even think her acting is improving, as shown in “The Illusionist“. Still, I keep getting a “Seventh Heaven” bad girl vibe from her whenever I watch her on screen and it doesn’t help that her character has no development whatsoever.

Picture this, some random guy (who looks like Nic Cage) comes up to you in a Las Vegas restaurant and lays down a smooth rap. Not only do you agree to drive him to Flagstaff, Arizona … not only do you take him with you to teach Native American children … not only do you respond to the line “I like the rain” with “I like the rain too” … not only do you end up sleeping with him the next morning … after all of that, you also go against the directions of a federal agent who tells you he’s a sociopath and you help him escape their clutches.

I’m sorry, is this backwards day and no one remembered to tell me?

Add on to this ridiculous character entanglement the terrible special effects that look like something from 1993′s “Cliffhanger”, a cameo by Peter Falk and no explanation whatsoever for Cage’s character being able to increase the time limit of his power and you’ve got the recipe for one of the biggest busts in this millennium’s blockbusters.

Sadly, the studio behind this film didn’t have the power to see into the future and pull the plug of this clunker before they took a bath on opening weekend, making less than $8 million in domestic box office.

I think all of you reading this knew not only how bad this film was going to turn out but also how the review would end. I’m giving “Next” a 1 out of 5. The concept is interesting but the execution is piss poor and there were almost more laughs and guffaws coming from this theater than a Zucker brothers’ film.