Wild Hogs
Is it any wonder so much of the world hates us?

Theatrical Release Date: 03/02/2007
Director: Walt Becker
Cast: Tim Allen, John Travolta, Martin Lawrence, William H. Macy, Ray Liotta, Marisa Tomei

Since no one in their right mind would willingly see it with me, I took it upon myself to brave the new “comedy” sweeping the nation, “Wild Hogs”.

This clunker of a film boasted a well-known cast, all of whom probably took some pay cuts to get the film made. I suppose they thought the experience of working together (or maybe a piece of the back end) would make up for lost dollars upfront.

I haven’t seen such stupidity since finding out that the TEP party got busted. “No, man! No!”

Obscure personal reference aside, “Wild Hogs” sucks.

I suppose the aim of the film was to present four friends, all sputtering past middle age and in dire need of some bonding and reminiscing of the good ‘ol days. This was supposed to please the palettes of the audience and rake in the big bucks.

Well, somehow not surprisingly, the American public has spoken and this film will turn the “responsible” studio a profit (Why God why!). But keep in mind, this is the same American public that voted Sanjaya into the Top 12 on American Idol.

Lame reference? Oh, shut up.

All of the jokes in the film are tired and predictable, the character development is non-existent and one really has to wonder how in the hell these four people became friends in the first place.

They let it slip that Allen and Travolta went to college together but how those two then picked up a computer programming nerd and a black plumber … well, that’s probably far more interesting than the hijinks that were to ensue on their road trip.

Along the way, the gang comes across a wide variety of characters whose cameos far outshine any of their “performances”.

I’d like to give special mention to Stephen Tobolowsky as the small town sheriff who got his certification online and firearms training playing Doom. He and his deputies (Jason and Randy Sklar) tried earnestly to shift the attention away from the funnyless foursome.

Props go out to John C. McGinley as the gay cop who just wants to join in the fun. (Though he doesn’t necessarily live up to the greatness that is William Fichtner in “What’s the Worst that Could Happen?” i.e. “Pull Daddy like a chariot.”)

It’s still funny though and I had hoped to see him come back at the end (pun intended). However, the filmmakers don’t fail to disappoint once again and after two short scenes, we are McGinley-free.

And a heartfelt thank you is to be extended to Kyle Gass for covering The Pussycat Dolls and some other great songs as the kickass carnival singer.

Sadly, I read in an interview he also covered “Milkshake” and “My Pony” but those didn’t make the film … unless my mind was partially shut down which is an automatic defense mechanism I’ve began to master over the last few years.

There is another significant cameo but it’s perhaps the saddest thing of all in the film. I’d say this is a spoiler but let’s be honest, none of you are going to see this steaming turd are you?

Really? That’s just sad … Oh, you were kidding. Whew! Almost gave me a scare there … hey, that rhymes! My quasi-stream of consciousness is wittier than the whole movie! Woo hoo!

Where was I? Oh yeah, pathetic cameo. So for the deus ex machina of an ending, Peter Fonda comes riding into town to keep Liotta’s biker gang from actually killing the middle-aged biker wannabes.

Can’t the Screen Actors Guild just put together a collection plate and keep Fonda from degrading his image by being in just about any and every piece of smelly celluloid that has a motorcycle in it?

I mean, come on! I already had to sit through “Ghost Rider” and now “Wild Hogs”?!? WTF!!!

Speaking of foul language, this film is “Rated PG-13 for crude and sexual content, and some violence.”

Okay, I understand the limited violence and the crude content. I suppose the sexual content refers to some gay jokes and McGinley’s character wanting to get it on with the guys. (The MPAA is alarmingly homophobic so this comes as no surprise to me).

However, nowhere in that description of the rating is “language” mentioned. There are a few “bitches”, at least 3 or 4 “shits” and about 10 “assholes” spread out amongst the film.

Why do I get the feeling that if this wasn’t a Disney film (Touchstone and Buena Vista are Disney’s babies), the MPAA ratings panel would have slapped this film with an R?

For more fun at watching the hypocrisy that is the ratings system, make sure to check out “This Film Is Not Rated”. At least I’ve been able to plug one good film in this review.

Anywho, I’m beginning to digress and this film isn’t worth the effort. Surprisingly though, I’m not going to bestow the lowliest of ratings in this instance and will instead award “Wild Hogs” a 1 out of 5.

There were some legitimately funny moments, mostly due to cameos, and I think I like Marisa Tomei better when her shirts are only half-buttoned. That Academy Award really is helping her career blossom, huh folks?

Bottom line: Unless you decide that this film is worth creating a drinking game about, feel free to move along and enter the next theater. I doubt it’ll be any worse and you’ll respect yourself more in the morning.