If you think tying us up will help our acting, you’re seriously mistaken.

Theatrical Release Date: 02/14/2008
Director: Doug Liman
Cast: Hayden Christensen, Jamie Bell, Rachel Bilson, Samuel L. Jackson

Elizabeth Edgemont’s Rating: Jump to her review

Ian Forbes’ Rating:

As fans of “Office Space” will remember, in that hallowed film a character invents the “Jump to Conclusions Mat”. You simply jump on the mat and reach a new conclusion. Frickin’ genius. Well, director Doug Liman and company have one upped that idea with a Jump to Conclusions Movie in “Jumper” and as an homage to both, I have created the first Jump to Conclusions Review. Simply click on any highlighted words (except the one you just tried to click on) and you’ll be taken to a different point in the review. Will it make sense? Probably not. But either does the film.

Rachel Bilsonjump back

So in summation, I’m going to give “Jumper” a 2 out of 5. It succeeds in some interesting concepts, the jump effect is kinda cool and Rachel Bilson can chill with me on the couch anytime of the week and twice on Sunday. If you need the film to resolve subplots, develop its characters or make much sense overall, I suggest choosing something else. This one’s just going to leave you confused.

So, the idea behind “Jumper” is that there are individuals (apparently all guys) who have the ability to teleport to any location they’ve seen or been to. That’s one nifty ability and as a fan of comic books when I was younger, I’ve always wanted that power.

To top it all off, for some reason, Anakin Skywalker not only can use the force to get Natalie Portman on his arm, he can also sweep Rachel Bilson off her feet. All this talk of hot women and body parts is making me dizzy. In any case, the conflict in the film derives from Samuel L. Jackson having a keen disliking of “jumpers” and he feels it’s his duty to rid the Earth of their unholy kind. jump ahead

AnnaSophia vs Rachellast jump?

There’s really nothing more to know. And there’s really not much else you’re told. The film jumps from point to point and it’s up to the audience to turn off their brains and let the time pass. Please don’t bother to fire those electrons in that noggin of yours around, trying to piece together the undeveloped storylines and weak resolutions that are there will just result in a headache.

The performances are largely forgettable. Sam Jackson is channeling a mix of his characters in “Deep Blue Sea” and “Snakes on a Plane“, which wouldn’t be so bad if there were snakes or sharks in the film. They talk about sharks … but we never see them.

Also, Christensen and Bilson deliver their lines with the enthusiasm of your last girlfriend in bed – the day before she dumps you. Michael Rooker is relegated to a 1/2 dimensional character whose sole purpose is to show that Jedis have fathers. Diane Lane apparently wandered onto the studio lot one day and had nothing better to do than utter a few lines. And Jamie Bell must be wondering why he ditched his tutu for this. jump ahead

Natalie Portmanjump back

This paragraph is useless. jump back

Really, the shameful part about the acting is that the younger versions of Christensen and Bilson’s characters were better suited to the film. AnnaSophia Robb and Max Thieriot actually had some chemistry and weight to their characters, which would have provided a more fulfilling experience. Sadly, they can’t help greenlight a film yet and if you think AnnaSophia Robb looks like a younger version of Rachel Bilson, you’re an idiot.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t the acting that fucked this movie up. (Her rating is “based on entertainment value in a sea of sheer crap”, not necessarily how the film would be rated in a vacuum … where Ian would put the reels of film.) jump back