Miss March
Dammit, you missed … get another axe and try again … for the good of us all.

Theatrical Release Date: 03/13/2009
Directors: Zack Cregger & Trevor Moore
Cast: Zack Cregger, Trevor Moore, Raquel Alessi, Molly Stanton, Craig Robinson, Hugh Hefner

If anyone asks you what film is the early front runner for the 2009 Razzies, you can tell them that it’s “Miss March”. Appropriately released in March (but deserving direct to DVD or no release at all), the film tells the story of a young lad committed to abstinence until marriage … until his super hot girlfriend decides that senior prom night has been long enough … then he gets drunk and winds up in a 4 year coma … only to wake up and find that the love of his life has since gone on to become a Playboy bunny … oh, did I mention he has one of the dumbest best friends in history, whom I would categorize as something between a patch of moss and a quick whiff of pheromones?

The film is poorly written, poorly acted, poorly directed, poorly everything. Co-Writers/Co-Directors/Co-Stars Zach Cregger and Trevor Moore are actually geniuses in my book for getting this film made. They took a script unworthy of use in a truck stop restroom after a chili contest, convinced someone to fork over money and then assembled a bevy of hot women (including actual Playboy playmates) and proceeded to live out some teenage perversion fantasy all under the guise of movie making. Usually, you can only fool a couple of struggling actresses at a time with a camera and casting couch … these guys took it to the next level!

And in trying to cover up the fact that the dynamic directing duo didn’t understand comedy, they went for the basest elements at every turn. The “humor” is derived from the character’s stupidity, the cheapest character development and as much gross out humor as they could work in. How gross you ask? Well, let’s just say there’s a running gag about the coma boy’s incontinence when put under pressure (and he’s been on one heck of a liquid diet apparently).

So how could a film this terrible possibly earn a ratings point? Well, that is ENTIRELY due to Craig Robinson stealing every scene he’s in … and even a few he’s not. As a DJ turned rapper using the moniker “Horsedick.mpeg”, Robinson is the ultimate caricature of late-1990s rappers – spouting supremely misogynistic lyrics, living life like he’s perpetually being filmed for MTV’s Cribs and fronting an attitude that would make Sir Mix-A-Lot, Tag Team and Sisqo all blush at once.

Without Robinson, and if I wasn’t reviewing the film, I would have walked out in the first five minutes. This film demeans the words “dumb” and “stupid” and I’m not sure what level of minimum brain activity it would take to find this film worth anyone’s time or money. Perhaps the saddest part is that there were a number of laughs from the screening audience, as they found the gross-out humor to their liking and found joy in the character’s inane antics. I know I’m not supposed to judge people … but this film crosses the line … it reminds me of “Scary Movie” … only without Anna Faris and involving all 6 writers from that worthless pile of celluloid. (So maybe I’m a little opinionated.)

“Miss March” gets a 1 out of 5 and I’m being so generous I’m thinking of asking the Federal Government for a tax credit. Yes, there is some female nudity, raging Russian lesbians and a visit to the Playboy Mansion. That still isn’t enough even if you get to see this for free, make time with a Playboy bunny and need shelter from a raging storm because you’re living on the streets in this ragged economy – there just have to be better ways to use this hour and half of your time. Try counting the ants eating the roadkill on the side of the road, at least that requires a few neurons to fire as you rattle off numbers in your head. This film won’t do much but start shutting down your synapses and forcing you to decide which deity to worship on your deathbed.