Take Me Home Tonight
There are times I’d agree with more relaxed handgun laws.

Theatrical Release Date: 03/04/2011
Director: Michael Dowse
Cast: Topher Grace, Teresa Palmer, Dan Fogler, Anna Faris, Chris Pratt, Michael Biehn
Rated: R for language, sexual content and drug use.
Runtime: 1 hour, 54 minutes


If this is art, I see why the NEA may get their funding cut.

Why does Hollywood have to shit on my era? What did the 80′s ever do to anyone? All of these countless remakes and adaptations being made to capitalize on the childhood memories of that “key 18-34″ demographic infuriates me to no end.

A few years ago, there was “Music & Lyrics”, last year we got “Hot Tub Time Machine” and now there’s “Take Me Home Tonight”. The key difference, however, is that the first two films were made with forethought and an obvious fondness for that decade.

In this stinky piece of crap, we’ve got Topher Grace squandering his M.I.T. education and working at a video store while he “figures himself out”. His high school crush (Teresa Palmer) comes into the store one day and he concocts a lie in order to get her attention (You’re a banker? I’m a banker too!). And so Grace and his infuriatingly annoying BFF (Dan Fogler, in one of the least likable roles I’ve seen in years … even compared to Joaquin Phoenix in “I’m Still Here“) steal a car, find some cocaine, crash a party and our two romantic leads do the rom-com tango.

Along the way, your emotions are toyed with as classic 80′s songs filter through the soundtrack. Surprisingly absent is the Eddie Money tune, “Take Me Home Tonight”. However, as I attended a screening that was deemed a rough cut and they hadn’t finalized the end credits, it’s possible the song gets thrown in there by the time this reaches the public (- But it’s in the trailer! - Fuck you, it’s the title of the movie, it should be IN the movie).

However, that doesn’t change how much I want people to avoid this waste of time, money and common courtesy. There’s a saying about monkeys and scripts, but in this case, I think the monkeys were tied down to chairs “Clockwork Orange” style and forced to watch the collected works of John Hughes and Cameron Crowe before being handed typewriters. And then some studio head pulled out the interesting bits.

That Topher has mentioned in interviews that the goal was to create a “lost John Hughes film” merely makes me angry and it’s a good thing there isn’t anyone around right now to feel my wrath. And did I mention this film sat on the shelf for 4 years? 4 FUCKING YEARS!!! Yup, even the system that brings us things like “Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son” had to sit and think about releasing this. (Grace tries to defend the reasoning in this MTV interview but I’m not buying a delay of that long simply for scenes involving cocaine … maybe they figured the higher exposure of Teresa Palmer now might help the box office … of course there’s also the issue that the film is terrible.)

A 1 out of 5, Anna Faris and Chris Pratt do what they can to lift the project out of the proverbial dungheap (and Michael Biehn got suckered into this too) but there’s not an original thought to be found anywhere in the film and if anything, all “Take Me Home Tonight” made me want to do was take myself to a bar … so I could drink away any memories of having seen this in the first place.

1 out of 5