Ohhhh! She’s tripping! Now I understand her approach to acting.


Theatrical Release Date: 11/16/2012
Director: Bill Condon
Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser, Ashley Greene, Billy Burke, Michael Sheen, Lee Pace
Rated: PG-13 for sequences of violence including disturbing images, some sensuality and partial nudity.
Runtime: 1 hour, 55 minutes


Trailer:

Look out, she’s got crazy eyes!

A word of warning for any Twilight fans, your regularly scheduled reviewer (Elizabeth Edgemont) has been preempted by one of the last people who should be writing about the film franchise – namely, me.

I never read the books nor have I ever been inclined to do so. As a man in his mid-thirties, this isn’t the subject material that piques my interest. Still, I have seen every Twilight film, though only once have I seen any of them without the aid of the wonderful gentlemen at Rifftrax.com. Their hilarious commentary turned already laughable cinematic material into comedy gold. Even for people who are completely turned off by the mere stench of the movie series, the first two films with Rifftrax make for a truly fun experience (they do some of their best work on the worst material).

I’m not going to bother with the plot for “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2″. It’s dumb and you either already know or you don’t care and that means I can save myself the time and effort. As for the review, well I suppose I’ll start with the positives about the final installment in the glittery vampire, shirtless wolfboy, lip-biting/frantic blinking/angst-ridden/speech-impeded teen girl series. First, the soundtrack is pretty good. My brain was constantly looking elsewhere for something to be engaged by and a number of the songs sounded decent enough. Second, this is the final installment in the glittery vampire, shirtless wolfboy, lip-biting/frantic blinking/angst-ridden/speech-impeded teen girl series.

To no surprise, the acting is fairly awful all-around. The greatest chemistry on-screen exists between two CGI wolves and speaking of CGI, the techno-wizardry used for the on-screen lovechild of Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattinson, named Renesmee, could best be described as creepy but is more accurately described as terrible.

Wait, time out. Renesmee?!? I feel sorry for so many young girls out there who will be saddled with this ridiculous moniker because Daddy couldn’t sway Mommy from making a terrible, shortsighted decision.

Okay, time in. Did I mention the acting is awful? Yes? Well it’s worth mentioning again. Aside from being a How-To when it comes to acting like there’s a stick up your keister, there’s no reason to possible emulate anything that the majority of these actors are delivering.

A few of them are able to slightly escape with a little … well, I’d normally use the word “dignity” but that seems so inappropriate here. Lee Pace steps in as one of the myriad of new characters all hastily introduced but he manages to inject some actual life into an otherwise death mask of emotion and vitality. Michael Sheen returns as the big bad villain and is chewing so much scenery being over the top that I may have to nickname him The Goat; what he does is far from quality but it’s clear he knows how terrible this all is and that he decided just to run with it. Go big or go home I suppose. Still, it at least creates a small bit of contrast to the otherwise mopey nature of the franchise.

How’s all the action that the trailer is promising audiences? Well, it’s all in the trailer so I hope you’re okay with nearly two hours of lackluster and drawn-out story that is nothing more than a cash grab. After seeing both parts of “Breaking Dawn”, an undergraduate film student could have edited these two movies together, kept it under 2 1/2 hours, and probably made it a better experience overall. (Just being shorter would have made it better.)

I think you know how I feel about this film by now. If not, I’ll remind you: It’s bad. Not ‘bad’ as in Good, but ‘bad’ as in Oh God, Please Make It Stop, Why Is This Happening? Perhaps the only redeeming aspect, aside from ending this cavalcade of inanity, is that this may be the funniest film of the franchise. Sure, none of it is intentional but there’s “dialogue”, “acting”, “CGI”, and “action” so clumsily handled that the only possible reaction is to laugh or risk aneurysm.

I’m sure none of this will keep fans away and that’s fine. I can appreciate there are people out there who have connected to this material for one reason or another and I wish you the best of luck. I brought a friend to the screening who has never read the books but somehow liked the other movies and she felt cheated by the resolution (which varies slightly from the book I’ve learned) and agreed this was a bad way to end things. Take that for what you will. All I know is that if you’re not a Twi-hard (ridiculous name … not as bad as Renesmee but …), then there’s less than zero reasons for you to see this … unless you have mental problems. In that case, do what you want. I’ll be somewhere else, celebrating the fact I’ll never have to see another one of these.

1.5 out of 5