It’s a shame all those bullets missed EVERY SINGLE TIRE.


Theatrical Release Date: 08/30/2013
Director: Courtney Solomon
Cast: Ford Shelby GT500 Super Snake, Ethan Hawke, Selena Gomez, Jon Voight, Rebecca Budig
Rated: PG-13 for intense action, violence and mayhem throughout, some rude gestures, and language.
Runtime: 1 hour, 30 minutes


Trailer:

Did they CGI him into this scene or is she that tiny?

Get in. Get out. Getaway.” That’s the tagline for Getaway and there’s only one thing wrong with that sentiment: You should NEVER “Get in” – whether that means your car to see this movie in theaters or the mood to see this for free at home.

Hmm, I’ve spoiled the surprise of what I think about this “movie”. Well, at this rate it probably won’t matter that I’m going to SPOIL a whole bunch of the so-called plot either. Seriously, if you think seeing this movie is a good idea, even with crazy low expectations and simply looking for the thrill of car chases, just go. Don’t say I didn’t warn you and don’t say I didn’t provide a few better options for your money (charity, kindling, ice cream, fake dog poop).

And I reiterate, what’s about to spew forth from my keyboard will reveal pretty much everything in the movie. It’s just too ridiculous to leave at “this movie is terrible, you should avoid it”, even on the off chance you were like me and hoped that it would be so bad it was somehow slightly fun. It is to some degree but not enough to justify actual dollars being spent so don’t be tricked out of any of your time of money. This is free and should only take a minute or two (insert joke here).

As for what the movie has to offer, well it’s not much. Even with its brief 90-minute runtime, you’ll probably be checking your watch/phone/sundial to see how much is left to go. It all begins like some bad made-for-TV affair, with Ethan Hawke discovering his home a mess and his wife (Rebecca Budig) missing. A cell phone rings and wouldn’t you know it, there’s Jon Voight on the phone. They try to hide his face but his voice is so recognizable it’s like watching Phone Booth; you know, that awful movie about Colin Farrell trapped in a phone booth while Kiefer Sutherland messes with his life and tells him if he leaves he’ll be shot. Why pick such obvious voices if you want to hide their identity? You might as well go with Optimus Prime or Bugs Bunny. Idiots.

Anywho, back to Getaway. Hawke is a former racecar driver and he’s been chosen by Voight to utilize his skills in an armored Ford Shelby GT500 Super Snake (the car should get top billing like I gave it). Voight (who’s doing all of this remotely and with virtually no way to track him down) has him zipping around Sofia, Bulgaria, wreaking havoc with no apparent agenda. Selena Gomez shows up with a gun wanting the car … I’ll pause to let that sink in. Okay, so why would this Disney TV Princess want to steal the car? Because it’s hers … I’ll pause again to let that sink in. And her Dad happens to be the CEO of a big investment bank but she’s not brought into the action because she’s needed for leverage, no she’s brought in because Voight wants to frame her for the eventual theft of valuable information from the bank (everything’s digital these days) … I’ll pause once again to let that sink in.

Look, let me explain why I wanted those things to sink in. Voight spends the entire movie 3 steps ahead of Hawke and Gomez (despite her hilarious iPad hacking skillz – yes, with a ‘z’). He’s NEVER in danger of getting caught … and yet, he bothers to attempt to frame this little girl. WHY? And in the end, he lets Hawke’s wife go and even provides the cops with someone to put in jail WHO ISN’T ANY OF THEM. What the h-e-double hockey sticks is the point? Aside from the many, many cops and henchmen who get smashed to bits in car crashes, no one is in any real danger.

Then there’s the only reason one might have thought seeing this movie was a good idea in the first place: the car chases. I love the idea of them and was walking into the theater expecting the kind of awful dialogue and plot that ended up on-screen. Still, I thought maybe the action would be enough to keep the brain in neutral while the cars zip around and do crazy stuff. Sadly, while most of the stunts are done with real cars (kudos for that), very little of it was anywhere near exciting. There’s only one interesting idea in the whole movie and it’s the minute or so when the audience gets to experience a high speed chase from a camera mounted on the grill of the Shelby. I was starting to get a little motion sickness but it was the only element of the production that set itself above the trash that is the rest of things.

To no surprise, Hawke is phoning it in here; as is Voight – LITERALLY. As Hawke’s wife, Budig is entirely useless and I couldn’t tell you if she was a good actress or not based on this movie because the script and direction was so piss-poor in terms of presenting her as a real person that it’s hard to say where the crap begins and the wiping ends. Speaking of directing, as a public service announcement, I should make sure to mention it’s Courtney Solomon calling the shots here. You probably don’t know that name but that’s because he made 2000′s Dungeons & Dragons. Yes, he’s that “good” of a director. This ought to keep him out of theaters for a few more years (if there’s any justice in the world).

This leaves me left with talking about Selena Gomez. I haven’t seen her Disney show, I’ve heard one of her songs, and now I’ve seen her act in two movies this year (Spring Breakers being the other). I’ve seen enough. She’s got zero presence on-screen and makes bad dialogue even worse. Not everyone can act, sing, and dance. There’s no shame in that. I can’t do any of those three things and I somehow get to sleep at night. So Selena, if you’re reading this (let’s ignore how unlikely that is right now), just stick to the singing and the Disney TV. I don’t partake in either of it so whether you’re any good at it, I simply couldn’t care less. The movie acting thing though? I have to watch that stuff … and I’d rather not if you keep showing up.

Somehow, after all of that complaining, Getaway manages to be more entertaining than a few other clunkers this year. That’s not to say it’s good. Clearly, I’ve laid out some reasons why this is an awful mess. But there’s some joy in laughing AT the movie for so much of its ridiculous antics; and it wasn’t me alone, nor was it just the film critics scoffing at how bad this thing is. The screening audience even found it within themselves to simply react with laughter when the script attempted to do just about anything. Yes, it’s got a pretty car speeding through intersections but there’s simply no ability to care about any of the events the script purports to unfold. If it weren’t for my love of laughing at bad cinema, I’d simply have changed the channel if I had been at home, or asked the theater manager for my money back if I had made the mistake of paying for this on the big screen.

In the end, even in presenting such an easy title to make fun of, the filmmakers got it wrong. It’s not Getaway, it’s Get Away. After all, it’s not just a title, it’s a request.

1.5 out of 5